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Jokes Thread..... 02/05/2016 at 23:01 #82112 | |
DaveHarries
1285 posts |
Evening all, Thought I would start a jokes thread for the entertainment of members. First off, and rather topical for footy fans: I hope nobody on here has been travelling around North London by train this evening (Monday 2nd): I hear there has been a failure of no. 74 points at Tottenham..... :P Dave Last edited: 03/05/2016 at 09:46 by DaveHarries Log in to reply The following users said thank you: WinsfordSaltMine, Stanyon, --miki-- |
Jokes Thread..... 03/05/2016 at 19:41 #82126 | |
LMK
133 posts |
User1: Host, would you mind just connecting to yourself quickly? Host: Why, are you getting disconnected? User1: No no, just try to connect to yourself! Host: Why, are you getting rejected? User1: No, just try to connect to yourself! Host: You are getting on my nerves! Grow up! User1: No need for that mate, just connect to yourself and I'll tell you what the problem is. Host: What, is my I.P wrong or something? User1: JUST DO IT!!! Host: Maybe I haven't set up my port forwarding.. User1: Just connect to yourself, but copy and paste the I.P address that's in your session details. Host: Ok, ok, ok...Where is the I.P address? User1: EXACTLY! I tried... Last edited: 03/05/2016 at 19:41 by LMK Log in to reply The following users said thank you: Guts, UKTrainMan |
Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 00:48 #82131 | |
320322
86 posts |
An old one but a traditional one. Heard recently at Glasgow Central Low Level. Passenger to Staff - How long's the next train to Dalmuir Staff to Passenger - 6 coaches I know, groan!!! Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 08:23 #82134 | |
jc92
3677 posts |
Once when riding on the Scarborough Spa behind a Black five, we arrived at Wakefield Kirkgate and a couple of teenage girls came up to me abd asked if it was the train to Castleford! Naturally I just said yes because I'm a horrible person "We don't stop camborne wednesdays" Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 08:36 #82135 | |
kbarber
1731 posts |
Warning: this story is APOCRYPHAL. Way back when you could open carriage doors for yourself, a train was arriving at Fenchurch Street. As they did so often in those days, a passenger was in a hurry to alight. Unfortunately he stepped on to the platform just a little too early. Imagine the scene. Like something out of a cartoon, legs going like pistons, he careers along the platform totally out of control, until he meets a solid object - a chocolate machine chained to the railings round the subway staircase. Again just like a cartoon, he hits it full on and falls flat on his back. Glass, blood and chocolate bars everywhere... The local BT policeman, a proper old-fashioned bobby, having observed the event, proceeded to the location. (Why did they always proceed rather than walk, I wonder?). Looking down at the unfortunate, in best G&S policeman voice, he said the only thing possible under the circumstances: "We like chocolate, do we sir?" Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 08:56 #82136 | |
postal
5241 posts |
" said:An old one but a traditional one. Heard recently at Glasgow Central Low Level.When I was a callow youth, conducting buses in Newcastle I used to give a similar answer when the bus was full so that people at the stop couldn't get on ("33 feet same as this one"). I stopped doing it after the comment was met with a response from the pavement "Will it have a ****-house on the back, just like this one" (Mods - please excuse the **** and modestly hidden bad language). “In life, there is always someone out there, who won’t like you, for whatever reason, don’t let the insecurities in their lives affect yours.” – Rashida Rowe Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 12:46 #82141 | |
clive
2776 posts |
" said:The local BT policeman, a proper old-fashioned bobby, having observed the event, proceeded to the location. (Why did they always proceed rather than walk, I wonder?).It's a special kind of walk. Terry Pratchett explains it in one of his books. Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 15:49 #82142 | |
clive
2776 posts |
Of course, it's Jedi day today. Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 04/05/2016 at 19:23 #82145 | |
pedroathome
914 posts |
" said:Of course, it's Jedi day today.Is that the road or rail bridge? Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 06/05/2016 at 19:00 #82185 | |
Forest Pines
525 posts |
When a signalman uploads a railway video to Youtube, they send 2 bells.
Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 14:10 #93170 | |
MarkC
1105 posts |
Brain Teaser Post has attachments. Log in to view them. Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 17:16 #93171 | |
GW43125
495 posts |
mark265 in post 93170 said:Brain TeaserThat man is a bloody joke. Period. Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 18:00 #93173 | |
Peter Bennet
5396 posts |
Reality is fake satire. [From Newsbiscuit] I identify as half man half biscuit - crumbs! Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 19:01 #93175 | |
Steamer
3969 posts |
The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate. (Douglas Adams) "Don't stress/ relax/ let life roll off your backs./ Except for death and paying taxes/ everything in life.../ is only for now." (Avenue Q) Log in to reply The following user said thank you: Peter Bennet |
Jokes Thread..... 17/02/2017 at 19:42 #93177 | |
Peter Bennet
5396 posts |
Reality's a dream [Buzzcocks - I don't mind] I identify as half man half biscuit - crumbs! Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 18/02/2017 at 12:36 #93184 | |
Peter Bennet
5396 posts |
Brilliant! https://twitter.com/Grinds_MyGears1/status/832618387339517953 Peter I identify as half man half biscuit - crumbs! Log in to reply The following user said thank you: postal |
Jokes Thread..... 20/02/2018 at 02:44 #106032 | |
khouji
10 posts |
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?" Check out this really funny jokes: http://www.short-funny.com/#ixzz57fyeDWqr Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 20/02/2018 at 02:45 #106033 | |
khouji
10 posts |
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.” Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 20/02/2018 at 19:42 #106043 | |
GW43125
495 posts |
khouji in post 106032 said:Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"Chemistry. Where questions like "where do you keep your TNT?" are no longer suspicious. Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 20/02/2018 at 20:16 #106045 | |
jc92
3677 posts |
Whats the different between the USA and yoghurt? Leave the yoghurt 300 years and itll develop a decent culture.... "We don't stop camborne wednesdays" Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 20/02/2018 at 21:25 #106047 | |
rfw
171 posts |
Tonbridge this is Tonbridge. The train now standing on platform one should be on the rails. The train now standing on platform 2, should be on the rails Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 21/02/2018 at 00:49 #106049 | |
khouji
10 posts |
Q: If love is "grand," what is divorce? A: A hundred grand, or more. Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 21/02/2018 at 00:50 #106050 | |
khouji
10 posts |
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener! Log in to reply |
Jokes Thread..... 21/02/2018 at 00:53 #106051 | |
khouji
10 posts |
After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water. Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water. As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!" Log in to reply |